I’m not writing a new book. That’s not what’s happening here. Not yet anyway.
But today I got the idea to compile, to collect some little chunks from recent blog posts (from the Substack) and… no goal except to collect them. In one place. In a document. But it’s not a new book, no. I have no plan except to write freely on both my blogs, as I always do, and… no plan.
So I was talking to one of my favorite people and she lifted me out of the hell I was in. With her delicate shovel. I’ve always had my helpers. I’ve had to find them, cultivate them. For we orphans it is ESSENTIAL. Never ever break the heart of an orphan. God will smite you for it.
In other news, I want to talk about Saturn versus Pluto. How the transits feel. How the transits feel to me.
I can work with Pluto (yeah right). Pluto is conjunct my Moon in my birth chart and in my First House so I am Pluto and Pluto is me, and there’s a comfort in the dark magician, but Saturn? Oh no. No thank you. Saturn transits to me feel like… nothing. Blank. Absence. Anorexia. And I am under a Saturn transit. Saturn is on my descendent which means it’s opposing/squaring my entire chart i.e. my angles and I feel it which means that it’s harder to feel. Saturn doesn’t just restrict and limit and enforce. Saturn deadens. Saturn strips.
So. What to do? You may be under a hard transit yourself. What to do?
Fearlessness and expulsion. Expulsion in the sense of getting it out, moving the energy. Don’t take it out on anyone though. This isn’t for them. It’s for you. You might need to scream. Singing might help. You might need to walk 7 miles every day this week (something I recently did). Deadlift. Chop wood. Chop some more. Scream. Cry. But you must be fearless in whatever you choose. I have to write. I have to say things I don’t really want to say. It’s not about vulnerability either. It’s the North Node in Aries. The ideal North Node in Aries: wild and free. North Node in Aries DOES NOT CARE AND THIS IS LIBERATING. How to become really you, truly you, has a lot to do with going as far as you can go inside yourself. It’s wide and deep at the same time. It’s a feeling of stretching.
She told me that I made her feel seen and that meant a lot to me. I said: I wasn’t trying. Some of us just see. I remember hitting the bed with the pillow that day (I’m referring to a different day here). The relationship with my ex-therapist was crumbling. I could not bear it. I could not carry the weight of it. He had said to me at the time that his leaving was “stirring up” old losses. He wasn’t wrong. So I made Prospect Park my home and I walked there every day without fail for… two months? Three? For hours, miles at a time. Every day. It was spring and then summer and there came a time when I stopped. It ended. I actually had made a plan. That by the Full Moon in Capricorn I’d be done. With every step, I was… transforming my pain. I enrolled at the institute and finished my novel. But before that I walked right up to that tree.
PS Don’t let anyone tell you – about any loss – that what you need is closure. There is no such thing.
I don’t think I’ve ever not written about hard transits for as long as I’ve been writing astrology. There’s no magic in them. I don’t romanticize crisis. I had ALL the outer planets make hard angles to my Sun or Moon at the same time. I was a ghost for years. It was Jupiter on my Moon that got me to Ohio and then Florida. It’s hard for me to imagine a world where I’m not running and yet all around my life is evidence of how I stay: the three cats I mothered until their deaths, the clients I’ve shepherded since 2012, this blog, the books I finished long before their due dates, New York City…
But about hard transits. What to do? I wish I knew. Get yourself someone to talk do. Someone who knows you well or can get to know you well in less than an hour. Ask them to pull a few cards and talk to your guides. Start there. Check in with the North Node.
North Node in Aries is requiring you to be braver than you know how to be. I’ll say it again. North Node in Aries is requiring you to be braver than you know how to be. Isn’t it time you pushed yourself? Not to work harder, but to… meet yourself? Who are you?
To be continued…