Saturn symbolizes death in astrology (among other things), but the truth is all the planets do, and yes some more obviously than others, and Saturn changes signs today, and I’m thinking about death and loss and grief and myth. I’m thinking about myth. I never think about myth even though I’m an astrologer and this is my ignorance I realize.
Here’s the rub: you’re about to die in your Pisces House and what I mean by that is… change. Things are going to change. Death and, maybe, rebirth.
Let me put it this way: Saturn symbolizes knowledge and this knowledge is a death. As the kids say today: you can’t unsee it. Your eyes have opened. It’s a fall from grace, expulsion from Eden. It reminds me of something going on in my training-analysis (the analysis I am undergoing in my path to becoming a psychoanalyst myself) and let me see if I can summarize it without any technical language. Hmm.
I’ll put it this way. My relationship with him is good (which is truly saying something for me) and through him, through my relationship with him, I am reaching grief. Waves and waves of grief. Oceans and oceans of grief. Yes it can feel like drowning sometimes and I am feeling “things” that I haven’t felt in a long time and, also, have never felt before (because now I am older). I am seeing huge parts of my life clearly for the first time and I am seeing in new ways “what it means” to become an orphan at an early age. Before, it was personal knowledge, my personal experience. Now I see things more symbolically. I see the myths. I have so much knowledge coming at me right now while feeling it at the same time. It’s intense.
(I expect getting a reading from me right now, to be honest, may have a different tenor to it. Deeper perhaps. Something. I’m not sure yet. But a different kind of depth. Maybe…. more Cancerian and less Virgoan (the two dominant energies in my chart). More ideal mother and less ideal surgeon. Or maybe a combination. We’ll see. I’m in uncharted waters.)
What to do? What to do when faced with oceans and oceans of grief? There is no “TO-DO..” There’s no meme. There’s no insipid self-help. There’s no technique or band-aid. There’s no internet to save me. Only reality, only truth can “save” me. Only looking back at it. Returning the gaze. Accepting reality. Going through the dark days and nights of the soul not knowing to where it will lead. One thing I know I have to do is move through it and/or stay still through it. Again: not knowing where it will lead. I’m being initiated into another dark passage.
And as I type here I think: no, there’s something else to do for this time in my life, this passage, this time of being at mid-life and alone (in various ways) which is a lot of what my third book is about. After all, I’m an astrologer, I’m a tarot reader, I’m a spiritual teacher, I’m a healer. I’ve been all these things for a long time. It’s time to claim it all and not hide. I’m a writer, an author. And I think I’m going to embark on my own Tarot project to mark this time because I need a ritual, I need a rite, and I’m not feeling close to my own Jewish traditions at this time.
And then my guides gave me the answer (or one of the answers): DIVE IN.
See, feelings, when you start to feel them, move. Feelings move. Feelings want to move. You have to feel them and then… you’ll see. This is the Cups of the Tarot, the element of water. One way I get feelings moving (and not merely ruminating which has its purpose) is by WRITING.
To be continued..
*Saturn is now in Pisces