I’m thinking a lot about anger and decisions. Mars is in Gemini. We don’t know what we want exactly. We don’t know what we want, inexactly. But we yearn and our ambition is pushing us somewhere, but where.
I don’t want to quit but I am wondering if the institute where I’m training is right for me (or if I am right for it) and what are my options (Gemini) and I’m angry (Mars) because I don’t know what to do. My Mars in Cancer gets angry and cries!
I thought to myself: I’m in the wrong place. And a little voice inside me said, out of nowhere: so be in the wrong place.
Be in the wrong place.
And the “voice” continued:
Is it so bad? To be in the wrong place? And why? What does it mean to “be in the wrong place?” What does it mean to BE in the wrong place? What does it mean to have BE and WRONG and PLACE in the same sad sentence? What does it mean? If there’s one thing (among MANY things) that I’m learning from my school reading is that it’s really interesting and fun to pay a different kind of attention to language, spoken or written, but it’s easier with written words to notice where each word takes you. This micro level of speech. Each word is a world.
And those questions (about being in the wrong place) are not my analyst’s questions. They are my questions. From my own brain. He’s not that kind of analyst. He doesn’t probe in that way. In fact, he might be the least analytical “therapist” I’ve ever had and yet he is THE analyst. We work on a different level which I think is the level of actual honest to god healing.
In other news: MARS LEAVES GEMINI SOON. March 25th.
And tomorrow is the first day of March.
What are we going to do. With ourselves.
It would be an understatement to say that March is the BEGINNING OF A CYCLE. Saturn into Pisces. Pluto into Aquarius. The Mars thing. It’s a bit much. It’s too much. And yet. Here we are. Growing up is hard. It’s so hard. Especially when you’re already (age-wise) a grown-up. See, it never stops. Sometimes this analytic training feels like a trick and maybe it is. It’s a trick by grown-ups to get us to grow-up, which is how it feels to me, and by “grow up” I mean to grow.
But all this isn’t really about my questions, my decisions, my frustrations, my life. It’s about ALL our lives, and how we’re ALL facing really hard things right now, including GOOD things, and how next month… is just so big. It’s just so big.
So… maybe don’t do anything rash and maybe try to feel all the feelings and observe them and yes tall order I know but we are here to grow.
Keep passing the open windows