After my therapy came to an end, I had a story to tell and I told it. I told it and told it and told it. I told it to the 20 or 30 therapists I interviewed in the hopes of finding him in a new form. I wanted a man. I wanted a man around my age. I wanted a man around my age who had an astute intelligence like his and good diction like his. He had urged me to replace him as soon as possible while “things” were still open, raw. And I told my story to every single potential therapist. I had to. Their responses were usually the same, and they were kind, and this is the part of the story where I’m going to skip over some details (I always do). Basically, I told my story until I didn’t need to anymore. I know how to grieve.
What does this have to do with Mars in Gemini? Everything. Mars is soooo passionate. Mars in Gemini (words/writing/hands) has a lot to say. In class, you can’t shut me up and I’m starting to feel self-conscious, that I better pull back, be more High Priestess and less Eight of Wands. I’m so shy and retiring. What happened to me? Therapy did. It changed me. Mars goes retrograde at the end of this month and we will all go inwards and what kind of stories will you tell then? How will your passion announce itself then? What will you say and what will you want to say when Mars goes retrograde? And to whom will you tell it?
Today I was walking home from my evening walk and thinking about how someday I’ll write a letter to him. Someday. To him and to my interim therapist (she had said to me she was fine with being a transitional object) and thank him for the dark and thank her for the light and update them on where I’m at now but I don’t know where I’ll be when I finally write that letter. I know I will though. Maybe when Mars is in Pisces. Maybe when I get an agent. The book is not about either of them but some of the feelings belong to him, so to speak. They were born from the experience of losing him. I wrote *from* the feelings. I had to. Sublimation!
In other news: we have an eclipse in just a few days but everybody knows eclipses are never just one day. They create a pattern. In your life. You might feel it over these months. You may be already feeling, experiencing it. But back to Mars in Gemini: Mars in Gemini wants to know everything and Mars going retrograde turns its attention to all the inner wisdom. There are worlds in there. You will penetrate them all. Fear not, dear star lovers! Sometimes even the Eight of Wands has to turn its head around.
To be continued…