You have to understand (I say to my analyst): I’ve been out of circulation for a long time.

What I mean is: not just Covid. Not just pandemic time. I mean, I’ve been self-employed for decades and that’s how I like it. I was a pet sitter (working totally alone except for the beautiful animals I’d visit at all hours, all over the city) and now an astrologer (and all the other stuff I do as an astrologer!) and I write books and… And yes the work I do is social. I mean, I have clients and students. We talk! I’m in their energy. But I don’t have a boss. I don’t have administrators. I don’t have peers, not in the way that school gives me “peers.” It’s a different way to live. Monastic. Contemplative.

Hmm. I am thinking about starting a Substack or something like it to take you along my journey of studying psychoanalysis (and really I am training at this point even though I don’t work with patients yet and I often don’t call it training. In my opinion, though, your training begins on DAY ONE) but for the time being I’m putting those thoughts here. Eventually I’ll create a new space for it. The highs, lows, weirdnesses, joys, surprises, repulsions of being an older student in an interesting field that delights me and not knowing what the future will bring.

And if I don’t stay in school, I’d be documenting that too. It’s a long process. A very long process. And at first I wasn’t sure I wanted to track any of it. It was so new and fragile, and it still is but… it’s part of my life now.  How wonderful. How wonderful to grow and change. Trial by fire.

The point of this post though is about… going from black and white to technicolor. Suddenly I’m thrown into this world of PEOPLE. Well, I threw myself into this world. And I’m seeing myself, sides of myself, angles of myself, and I thought to myself today WOW I am intense. I really saw it in action.

Now, I have my Moon Pluto conjunction in the First House. The First House is who we are. The First House is US. Moon Pluto in the First House wants order. I don’t want to control *you* but I want my shit in order and if your shit is getting in the way of my shit being IN ORDER… that’s when things get intense.

So Mercury is retrograde and Mars is retrograde and Uranus is retrograde and there were these issues with registration for spring semester. There were misunderstandings. There were Mercury retrograde-nesses. And it’s been a very long time since I’ve had to deal with people in these detailed ways. And it got me all discombobulated. Having to explain 10000 times and still not be understood. Not having control of my fate. That’s how it felt. And at a certain point I gave up. I thought to myself: if I continue then I continue. If I don’t, then I don’t. It’s out of my hands.

It did get worked out, but it was a painful process to get there, and one I would not like to repeat. I saw some sides of some people that I wish I didn’t have to see. I wanted to stay in fantasyland. Oh well. The princess always wakes up…. but the goddess always finds her domain.

On another topic: sadists are getting on my nerves lol I have this theory that there are more garden variety sadists out there than we realize. I mean, the ones who kinda like to hurt you. I don’t mean in a criminal way but they like to get a stab in there. I hope I never do this to my clients as I’ve been on the receiving end of it from people who were “helping” me. It’s predictable though. People are SO predictable, myself included. And you can see it in the chart. You can see what will be. You can see if a person can change and how. Or not.

I know this person who… she will be supportive to a point, but she won’t leave the conversation until she gets a zinger in, a stab. She won’t be satisfied until she makes you hurt. I think to myself: Okay I want to talk to this person but I gotta be ready. She’ll be really helpful and then she’ll get it in there. She’ll leave a cut. It’s so predictable that it doesn’t really hurt anymore. Instead, I observe it, observe her, and wonder about it. How there is a mask and there is… below the mask. And both are true. Reminds me of my former therapist who also had a sadistic streak in him. People think they are sharing the truth but really they are sharing a piece of their ego. It’s the opposite of holding someone’s hand through the fire. If your friend is on fire, how about you do whatever you can to help them not be burned alive instead of toasting a marshmallow over the flames. How about real heart. It’s not just for Jesus! It’s for us, too.

Okay. I’ve gone on long enough for now. What’s the good news? We got the TRINES this week. Sun and Mercury trine Taurus. A lovely Full Moon in loving Cancer. The sky is a good sky.

xoxo