I feel I have to fall in love with my book again, the new one I’m working on. And it’s not that I’ve fallen out of love with it, but life gets in the way and work and the body and just everything… gets in the way sometimes. I’ve got notes and outlines and plot lines and I know exactly where I left off but the other night on an Instagram Live I drew cards for the procrastinators (a couple folks were procrastinating with their school work) and one of the answers we saw in the cards was love. Fall in love with it — the book, the test, the paper you have to write. In my second book I write about devotion and not just discipline as necessary (for anything you want to finish or continue with or get good at).
I was walking in the city with my cousin today, all afternoon, and she was telling me how she often takes Fifth Avenue and I was thinking about how I rarely do and we exchanged details of our recent ventures and adventures and we walked a lot, like two New Yorkers do and should and I found myself missing an ex-lover who no longer lives here and I think they really hated me towards the end there and my attempts at reconnection probably weren’t all that enticing.
Of course I thought to myself: VENUS PLUTO VENUS PLUTO VENUS PLUTO. It’s the refrain of these days: Venus in Capricorn conjunct Pluto and she’ll go retrograde this weekend and really this conjunction is alive and well for the duration although closer or farther away at any given time. Of course the memories may come a-flooding and this is not a problem. It just is. I had feelings of regret and feelings of how young I was and I let the feelings do what they do and eventually my cousin and I parted, she to her doctor’s appointment and me for a little more walking and then home. I wished I had known how to keep that relationship but I didn’t and I couldn’t.
You can do what you like with the transits, with this sky. But it would surprise me greatly if the past wasn’t showing itself off to you already as it certainly will over the coming days and weeks. Arm yourself with a new journal perhaps.
It was overcast all day. I found it hard to talk. The pages on the kitchen table right where I left them. The Venus Pluto conjunction is in a “creative” part of my chart. Falling in love with the writing I’m writing shouldn’t be too difficult although I wonder if people still write books, real books. I mean, I know they do, but are there any uninfected by influencer ambitions and politics. I think of friends who are poets and friends who are novelists and I know we do still exist. It’s a lonely job. Having a lonely job is not a bad thing and I’m not complaining but it’s a lonely job.
So. At this point in the blog post I’m supposed to say something encouraging and hopeful and what I want to tell you is that who you are is just fine. There’s room for you too. What does this have to do with the astrology? Venus is associated with your self-esteem, self-worth. Venus hanging out with Pluto can make you think you’re bad, but you’re not bad. In fact, you’re really really good.
How the city feels to me mid-pandemic: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing everyone in masks. I can’t stop thinking about it lately. I’ve found year two harder than year one. We’re living through something so strange and insidious and violent and… it will never feel normal to me, even when it does for minutes at a time. I am not cheerful. But as long as I’m here, I’ll write to you however I can. Maybe it’s a good thing I couldn’t use the Anchor app. I think, for now at least, writing here is better.
One more thought: lately I feel my mother’s energy on my energy, her face as though superimposed upon my face, her reserve, her silence — especially when I’m interacting with others. I remember some years ago hanging out with an old friend of hers and they said I reminded them of her. They called it her “passivity.” Reserve, silence. Mega-Scorpio. In a few years, if I live that long, I will have outlived her. All this talk? It’s Venus Pluto talk too. Love and death. My prayer for the future is that the writers continue to write and write and write.
No right way to do this transit, but if you do get thoughts of ex lovers and dead mothers, my recommendation is to go with it. What have you got to lose?