I’m sitting here trying to edit, trying to write (blessed, not in a war zone), trying to work on chapter eleven of new writing, and I can’t. I’m emotional. Tears. I had to stop and talk to you instead. Blog about it. Talk about the Chiron Return, MY Chiron Return, too much energy coming from my fingertips for me to do the staid quiet work of editing and the quiet work of problem solving with new writing. Blogging for me was always like a fire running free, whereas the work I had planned for today is/was far more methodical (with occasional inspiration). There will be typos/bad grammar.
So I promised a happy happy Chiron Return blog post because I wrote a darkly darkly stung by 1000 bees blog post, and I do believe a happy happy Chiron Return is possible because of what the Chiron Return promises or shoots for.
I don’t want to say the possibilities are endless, but let me tell a story to try to illustrate and I am typing SO fast right now can you feel it? And maybe the possibilities really are endless because the Chiron Return for me has created what I didn’t think was possible. Freedom. Freedom from…
I know the word.
Chiron Return has the potential to HEAL YOU.
So back in June 2021 I started therapy and it had been a long time, over a decade, and the reason I went into therapy was very specific. It was two things really, and I don’t want to give everything away (those gritty details), but I didn’t think I would be looking at my entire life. I didn’t think I’d be exhuming the bodies of the past. I wasn’t thinking about how past trauma was framing pretty much everything (except in a very narrow way) but I was about to find out–
This was around the time when that building in North Miami Beach collapsed and I texted my new (Virgo) therapist that that was me. That I was somewhere underneath the rubble. I wasn’t even sure what I meant. But I know now after eight months what I meant.
It’s funny. I went to him expecting or hoping for breathing techniques. A little calm-me-down advice, but a little deeper maybe, and what I got was a man with a teaspoon, or maybe half a teaspoon, digging through that rubble, my rubble. That’s how I feel it and see it right now. And I did not make it easy for him although that’s probably typical I really don’t know but I know from my point of view I made it as hard as possible, but not on purpose (and I think to myself that this should be my fourth book), and he was unwavering and kept digging no matter what I flung at him.
I remember one time I was on the subway heading home, and I had just decided to cancel a session cancel all the sessions all the therapy and I thought to myself out of nowhere (I had been ruminating): I hate him I hate him I hate him HATE HIM SO MUCH.
AND I thought to myself whoa I better un-cancel that appointment because this is good. This is a breakthrough some kind of breakthrough and I HAVE TO TELL HIM I HATE HIM. I was tasting, savoring this hate, it was so delicious white-hot (i.e. the hate I felt for the man who was exploding my tight tight system of defenses), and now it’s eight months later and it’s the third pass of my Chiron Return and i’m starting to feel/see the payoff.
Yes there is a payoff to the Chiron Return and I don’t know any other way than what I’m going through. My Chiron is in Aries/Eighth House of Psychotherapy and Magic and Taboo and Trauma) and I would say for eight months straight I wanted to quit, oh, every week. Sometimes every day. And now for the first time ever I don’t want to quit.
And I expect I will graduate to the Ninth House at some point, which is the house of perspective and the new belief system. The Ninth is your operating philosophy of life after the House of Trauma, the Eighth.
I don’t think I would be where I am right now without him and I know that might sound overly romantic or maybe it sounds normal if you are used to having human guides or mentors but I lost my parents decades ago, both of them. I would still be under the rubble now if not for him.
There is a silver lining. Yes this is the same Aliza. I know you don’t hear me talk about silver linings and shiny things, but for me the silver lining came through a grueling painstaking terrifying exorcistic process. It didn’t come from a meme or tweet. It came from teaspoon after teaspoon, methodical digging and pressing and pushing.
Now, I’m not saying he would characterize the process this way and he certainly wouldn’t use my metaphors. He would try to understand them probably (like the burning building one I used today in session) but these are my words, my experiences of my own Chiron Return. There is a mass grave inside you. Inside us all. The Chiron Return is the excavation.
I remember, years ago, learning that Chiron is the wounded healer and it’s the place in our charts that we cannot heal. It’s always sensitive vulnerable fragile. It’s marked DO NOT TOUCH. You can’t go near it or we lash out. But I’m here today to tell you that there is hope. I mean it. Transformation/Destruction/Rebirth of you, in the ways that you need, is possible.