Transformation can be ugly and not everyone has the stomach for it but I kinda feel that when it’s knocking on the door, you have to answer. You can’t avoid it. Even if you don’t quite know what or which transformation it is and you might not even know for a while what or which transformation it is. But when it comes you know. You know because you can’t stop crying (for example). I’ve had times when I’m calling up my friends and crying crying crying talking talking talking venting venting venting and they give me their energy and I take their energy (and I would gladly do the same for them) and then I go off on my own and sit or walk or work or do nothing or meditate or sob more and let the feelings have their way with me. The kind of sobbing where you’re talking to the walls, muttering to yourself. Shock. Grief. Transformation can be ugly. Don’t forget this. Don’t look for the pretty changes. They don’t matter. Real change is ugly. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
Transformation time is when people avoid us and maybe because we’re acting out and maybe because they just can’t deal and I don’t blame them but it makes me even more grateful for the ones who can sit through it and bear it. It’s all about bearing it. This past week I was telling myself what I could and could not bear but things shift/move/change and it doesn’t become an issue of bearing it but becomes an issue of… did you let the feelings have their way with you??? Did you let them take you over? Because that’s what you need to do. The language I’m using here is too nice for how it feels. It can (should?) feel apocalyptic. Fire, brimstone, cyclone.
Not everyone is an emotional warrior. I get that. I know some people do not have the time/space/energy/capacity/privacy/bandwidth to get to the bottom of the ocean and see what’s there. We all have to find the way that works for us to, well, deal with life. My way is to go as deep as I can possibly go.
So all of this is on my mind because of today’s Full Moon and the upcoming two eclipses. We have to get into it. We have to get in there. We can’t be afraid. We have to be fearless. Fearless. Fearless. Fearless.
When I first started therapy with this guy, nearly a year ago, I said to him that I wanted to be fearless. That I was “this close” and I really don’t know if that was true. Was I really this close? Did I really want to be fearless? Why was I talking about that? What did it mean? I think back to the stress I was dealing with (and I was really stressed) but I still had MARS in my mind. I still had this weird crazy goal maybe. That I was done with being afraid. And then I spent a year in… I don’t know what to call it. A weekly descent into hell. And now I’m thinking: did I reach my goal?
I don’t have any answers today. The only thing I know 100000% is that transformation is not pretty. It can be very very ugly. And I think we forget this. I think we forget how our faces look after all that sobbing and all that need and all that dependence which is FINE. And I think the other most important thing, besides accepting your transformation (if indeed you are in such a phase of life) is that you have or find people (or just one person) who will hear you, sit with you, not judge you, not even question you. What do they call it today? Holding space? It’s okay if it’s a friend. It’s okay if it’s someone you pay. But most important is that they don’t take the feelings and shit on them. I need people with emotional depth who don’t live their lives denigrating those of us (hi water signs!) who love and love and love and love and love.
So that’s the story. For now. Full Moon today. Eclipses on the way. And you may be heading towards a personal transformation. Book a reading to talk about yours. Otherwise, I’ll see you later, right here.