I was listening to a podcast just now (I have a couple favorites) and the host was saying “self help” but what I heard was “self hate” and I thought this was funny, and this morning I exercised first thing, and there was a moment when a part of my body felt sore and immediately I knew to decrease the range of motion.
I’ve been a home-exerciser for almost my whole life. Once upon a time, it was the VCR and now it’s YouTube. This idea of “decrease the range of motion” seemed like a perfect metaphor for these times or for hard times or for Cancer Season (which begins next week) and what I mean by that is that sometimes we must not “go for the burn” or “go to extremes” or “try” and instead we need to decrease and decrease the range and this really will lead us out of self hate and into self help and by self help (in this context) I mean: peace. I mean homecoming.
That’s my recommendation for this Cancer Season so far: decrease the range. Decrease the motion.
And then this morning after exercise, I went to walk in the park, and then to write, but I was so tired I lasted just an hour skimming over a chapter and then went home to nap and it was a deep and sweet nap, with perfect weather although now I am wondering if it will rain and that would be fine with me as I am safe at home. That’s the Cancer Season way: safe at home. That’s all we want EVER. Food and home and naps with cats. And home is always inside you. Remember that.
Writing update: The end is in sight. I do have chapters to finish, but I can see it now. It’s all (mostly) mapped out and I even feel a little anxiety about it. Who will I be when I’m not working on it? My identity will shift from “writing” to “seeking representation” or “praying for a good publisher.” Now is the time. Now is the time to put in it what needs to be in it. I won’t get to write this book again. I have to write it right. I need to go fast but need to go slow. Go slow in the quickness and go quick in the slowness. I write so many Notes to Self but must also make peace with the fact that the book will not be a 100% copy of what’s inside me. My soul is what’s inside me. My book will be the best I can do with externalizing that. It’s also a story. I’m telling a story. “Too much pressure,” I think. Just finish the damn thing. And I am. Good thing I’ve got some meditation classes (on Zoom) this week. It really does help although it really does connect me with painful or confusing memories too. Hey. That’s how you know you are doing meditation right!
More advice for Cancer Season: sleep more. Eat more.
I wish you were here. I wish you were here to walk in the park with me but every time I walk in the park, I know you are with me, all of you. So I hate social media and I love social media. I love that I can do a quick Instagram Live and there you are. And I love that Giovanni on my Patreon told me how much he loved the weekend Tarot video. It’s the same thing. Love is good.
Even more advice for Cancer Season: try not to hate yourself. Try. I know this can be difficult but Cancer is the sign of the mother, the ideal mother. Give to yourself what you didn’t get. I know that sounds, seems, impossible and it is. It is! But we do our best. Once upon a time you were an idea. And then the idea grew. And here you are. What is your sacred purpose?
What you do may seem insignificant but it’s very important that you do it. I’m paraphrasing Gandhi.
Cancer Season is always about going home but you don’t have to go back to a home you hated or a home you left for good reason. What is home to you? Home to me, as I type this, right here, right now, is where there’s Tarot overflowing and we’re talking astrology and we’re doing quiet things and it might rain and it might not. This morning the park was so crowded and Franklin Avenue was so crowded and the sun was too bright and the sandwich was too big. Cancer is fussy and the only way to soothe a Cancer or to exist during Cancer Season is unconditional love and letting yourself be the fussy baby so love yourself love yourself love yourself. Remember we saw the Three of Cups the other day! Or, at the very least, don’t hate yourself. Don’t hurt yourself. And what was that first thing? Decrease the range of motion.
To be continued…