So many things on my mind. Where to start?
1. when working through trauma, remain flexible (accepting) in your approach and techniques
2. saturn going direct, venus now in leo, jupiter moving out of leo, saturn squaring venus & jupiter
3. what to do while you’re waiting: on seeing the Hanged Man over and over
This blog post may be triggering.
There is no one way, one size fits all, when it comes to healing or “working through” — WALKING THROUGH –painful stuff, memories, etc.
(Also, trauma that hasn’t been dealt with in some way, addressed, IS going to resurface, no matter how old it is so do just ignore the so-called friends and annoying people who say: oh that was 5 months ago! 5 years ago! 25 years ago! 45 years ago! They are also the ones who are telling you that you are over-dramatic or attached to the past. Well, my friends, they hate themselves. Don’t let it get to you. etc.)
You may not be in the mood TO DEAL but it happens i.e. flashbacks for example. There they are. What do you do with them?
Or revenge fantasies. What to do? And what do they mean. These are ways we cope “after the fact.” Our mind/body/spirit/soul has to deal and the many circumstances of your life will create its own mandala, its own pattern of healing. Be gentle with yourself. Patient. Even when you have scary thoughts, sad thoughts, mad thoughts, bad thoughts, what do I do thoughts. I’m thinking of the Nine of Swords cards. The cards create a ladder. You can climb out. (I read that interpretation in a Rachel Pollack book.)
What to do, I believe, first and foremost, is to try not to blame yourself or judge yourself or ostracize yourself for your process (including how slow or fast it’s going).
Let’s say you have an abusive spouse or partner (God forbid) and your abusive spouse or partner puts you in a chokehold one night.
Your CHOICE was taken from you. In that moment you became not only a statistic but a freshly traumatized person. You have new knowledge now. Well, revenge fantasies may be one way your body/mind/spirit is dealing with this having happened, among other coping skills. Do not be afraid of your own mind.
I even knew a woman whose ex partner put her in a chokehold (what is this? the popular way to intimidate someone? there are many, unfortunately) and then blamed HER for what he did. And yet it was pre-meditated. She actually had left the room and gone to another room and he got up, walked over to her, in the other room, and put her in a chokehold. She couldn’t get free. She couldn’t breathe. She struggled. She couldn’t breathe. At some point though she found her breath and started to scream. Her throat hurt all night (she told me). It hurt to swallow. She took pictures of her neck to capture any bruising. He was bigger and stronger than her and STILL blamed her. I shudder to think if she HAD fought back, if she knew how to fight and had used her legs to kick him. Didn’t even occur to her. But if she had? She may be dead now. Or have gotten her face bashed in. And most often I think an assailant WILL minimize the damage they do (out of guilt or narcissism). But that hardly matters. What matters is you.
It happened and now for the rest of her life she has this memory (emotional and physical) of feeling/being powerless AND being alternately blamed for it (you did such and such which caused me to do that) and also made to feel crazy about it (it didn’t happen. Yes this person actually said “no I didn’t”).
So what to do? With this? With ANY traumatic memory and mountain of bullshit. You can’t change the past. But you can choose your course of dealing with it. You get to decide. You get to choose. Do you need support? Therapy, group therapy. Or maybe you’ll do your work on your own.
This morning I had a really great thought. I’m not sure if it was my Higher Self speaking to me or a Guide who said: what do you want? What do you WANT to do about it? (About your own past trauma.) You have options. What magick do you want to apply here?
And this also reminds me of that great execration magick book that I was reading (by S. Connolly): that this form of magick can be healing FOR YOU.
Other ideas: you can go back “in time” and Reiki the moment. You can go back in time and comfort yourself (similar to Reiki). You can go back in time and use your imaginative forces (as Edgar Cayce would say) to create divine protection, angels, all around you, who were there to create a ring of safety. Because, if you are reading this, you survived. And you can go back in time and plant a seed for your revenge. I do not advocate revenge. I do not advocate anything except for being gentle and patient and kind with yourself — but this example is on my mind because I think it is common, that after an abuse you want to GET the person back BUT often what happens is that the abused person becomes terrified of her own feelings. I advocate NOT being afraid of how you feel. Accept it. All of it. ALL the feelings.
Saturn goes direct tonight and is squaring Venus and Jupiter. Venus is retrograde and is now back in Leo and Tuesday brings us the EXACT Venus Jupiter conjunction (again). But Saturn is squaring. Monday actually is the exact Jupiter Saturn square. Wednesday is the exact Venus Saturn square. It’s a bit dizzying this backwards forwards.
Saturn square Venus Jupiter. You have to work for it. For your love and money AND SELF-ESTEEM. And hair do and weight loss goal and WHATEVER. What else is new? YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT. Yes I know Venus Jupiter is a shopping spree but you worked for that money, you worked for that reward. And you may feel a bit worried or guilty if you overspend but my advice is NOT to let bad boy Saturn in Scorpio harsh your Leo happy. Do the work. Have your fun. Do the work. Have your fun. You’ll be okay. Saturn IS going back to Sag (yes I know he’ll square Jupiter in Virgo but let’s deal with that later)
A couple weeks ago I was seeing the Hanged Man CONSTANTLY. And then it stopped. New cards came in to say hello.
When you see the Hanged Man, you must pause. Do not struggle with the ropes.
I know all this was a little disjointed but it’s all on my mind — trauma, the current transits, the Hanged Man.
And redemption. TRUE HEALING. To really be DONE with the past. How to get there? How to do this? Is it POSSIBLE.
Saturn going direct will help. You need a plan.
To be continued…