I started telling this story without any details
but I think I need to share some of the details.
Some of the details. Details about DOMS (google it)
and about how the body must adjust when exposed to something new and intense.
That’s what happened to me.
I was lifting heavy weight (heavier than I ever have), powerlifting, and my body. My body was telling me how to recover but. But. But. My body said FEED ME so I started to feed my body in ways I wasn’t used to. CARBS. The dreaded carbs. Forbidden food. Pizza. Name it. PIZZA.
So I gained weight. The dreaded weight. Fast too, yeah. Fast. FEED ME. Chaos. I went from 10 lb dumbbells at home to a deadlift of over half my body weight And yeah muscles weighs more than fat but but but but but. This was all the old noise. (And this is common. There are 1001 YouTube videos about weight gain after beginning such a regimen.)
So today I talked to my spirit guide (my trainer) because I decided NOT TO QUIT
and we talked and she asked me:
well what did you used to eat. Before power lifting. When it was just you and your home workouts (fine workouts but not what I’m doing now).
And I thought for a minute.
As little as possible I said.
As little as possible.
A lifetime of as little as possible.
As little food as possible.
(No wonder I was so excited when Intermittent Fasting became trendy.)
I hadn’t realized that this, this in particular, had been following me around. The end goal of everything: as little as possible. As little food. As little body. Always the same goal. And never reaching it either. See? You can’t even restrict right!
And this:
Always knowing I am physically stronger than the “average woman” (my sister is the same, just genetics) and a series of mysterious events brought me to this local gym, to this place of exploring what my body can do and what it’s for. Not to get smaller. When I first met her I said: I want to get STRONGER. This isn’t a weight loss journey. I want to get stronger. I want to see how strong I can get.
After I was done today, she said to me (if I remember correctly) that she knew my personality a bit now and knew I wasn’t going to quit. (Oh, so you see me. Hmm.)
That I was INVESTED.
Learning.
Overcoming body hatred and body shame, which was NOT my intention with this when I started.
She had made a list while we were talking of everything I was experiencing BESIDES the weight gain shame and excruciating DOMS.
You can decide, if you want, to not quit and to explore further. And it’s okay if you DO quit. But also explore NOT quitting. It might be worth it. Find someone who will listen. (Don’t quit.)
It was like my identity shifted over the course of a month. From self-hatred to power. I knew I had it inside me. I knew it. Yes Moon Pluto always feels power but this was different. It was the inside manifesting on the outside. Strong energy, strong body. Then a setback. Then quitting. Then not quitting. Here we are and I’m telling you this story.
I know many of you will relate and/or are struggling with this very thing RIGHT NOW and you want to quit and you have no one to talk to and you feel hopeless.
I did a reading for someone today who said she’s been reading my blog for YEARS. It’s OKAY to email to just say HELLO. It really is. I may not write back always (sometimes life gets busy) but it’s nice to know who is out there and reading because I never know!
So there is another reason why I am telling you this story.
Mars entered Scorpio today and if there’s something Scorpio always does is NOT QUIT.
Sure they may put that fearless determination into crushing their enemies and actually I think that’s what I am doing.
Although it’s not any one person (and yet it is), IT IS.
I AM CRUSHING MY ENEMIES – fear, doubt, shame and this legacy of fear and doubt and shame LEAVE NOW. I’m sorry for your sickness, dear ancestors, but I am sending it to the grave.
This client I talked to today. Among other things we talked about imposter syndrome.
I said to her:
you already are HER.
That healer you KNOW you are. You feel it. You know it. You ARE her.
Love you guys, whoever you are xo
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