Life always gets in the way of writing, but I also need a life to write, need the contrast.
And one has to eat and sleep and do other things, and I’m thinking about how for the last few days I’ve been focusing not on writing but on work-work, my paid work, clients and Patreon and business, and today I returned to editing, looking over chapters and it’s this – hollowed out, scooped out feeling because you don’t know if it’s any good. It might be garbage. It could be. And you fret because it actually matters, and you know that whatever you produce will probably not match the vision or how it feels inside except maybe a sentence or two, here and there.
So I am going over earlier chapters so that I can write the second half of the book in the right way, as right as I can, and thinking about how I am doing my best, and it will never be good enough, and that’s just how it is to write, to be a writer: to know that it’s never as good as it should be, as you wished it could be, and yet you tried to bring it into being. You really tried. And what will show up in published form is some thing, but it isn’t the symphony you heard in your heart. Hopefully you get close. I will am getting closer.
What’s the connection to the astrology of the day? There must be a connection, right?
It’s the idea that you must do what you came here to do. You must do it, whether you win or lose, succeed or fail. You must do it. If you don’t do it, try to do it, keep trying to do it, it’s like being dead while you’re alive. Don’t do that. Don’t be dead while you’re alive. If you must write then write, but what about the astrology? Sun conjunct Neptune today (and you will feel it tomorrow too I think) but it’s not just longing, it’s sadness, and that, my friends, is all this Pisces, all this Neptune in the sky, and in particular that Sun Neptune thing which might make you feel disappointed (Neptune) that the real (Saturn) won’t ever match the dream (Neptune). It’s a fucking heartbreak.
What to do? Keep doing. That’s it. Keep doing. No matter how much Neptune or in spite of Neptune or because of the endless endless endless Neptune because you are endless endless endless endless because you are the drowning. So (to quote the Roches) KEEP ON DOING.
In graduate school, I was beloved. My teachers loved my poems. In college they did too. I took so many writing workshops. One of my teachers said: there’s nothing I can teach her. I don’t know if that was true, but after I got MFA, there really was nothing! I tried to publish poems and I tried to live and my mother hadn’t even died yet (although my father had), and I wandered and I floundered, and I tried to work (eventually I did find a job I could do), and I had no skills and was barely functional (in my estimation) in my 20s and then I started getting spiritual (back to Jewish stuff) and then she died and I swung hard into the Jewish stuff, and was still writing poems and what I learned was that life is not a straight line, and I was not prepared. There was no internet then. No cell phones. No ASMR videos. There was no working from home. There was nothing for someone *like me* to do to survive.
In this little blog post I can’t recount how I got from there to here, (my life as a professional astrologer/tarot reader and author) but I can say that I kept on doing. There came a time when I stopped writing poems and starting writing plays (those did better actually, had quite a few productions of short plays and some readings of longer works) and then came the time when I fell in love with astrology and decided to put all my writing energy into blogging and that was it. Goodbye poems and plays. And now coming full circle. The next book will be a return to my literary roots (as I say in the author bio in my Mystical Practical book). Fame and popularity is not my destiny (I can’t even get to 2000 followers on Instagram lol). My books may never sell all that much, but I keep on doing. I have no choice.
Sun Neptune can be a little self-pitying, sure. Or a lot. It happens. But it’s also the courage of the faithful. To get up each day, knowing what we know.
So. Sunday night. May yours be peaceful.
RIP William Hurt, an actor I dearly dearly dearly dearly dearly loved. I don’t usually feel celebrity deaths but this one… Here he is with Kevin Kline in the Big Chill.