The truth is, I have not taken the time to explore my transits from those years, from my Orthodoxy and post-Orthodoxy years. But I can tell you this: I was looking for rules, for guidance, for love, for someone to tell me what to do.
At first it was God or rules of the spiritual community. Maybe THEY could give my life some meaning and order. I had none. I had been a poet, I was a poet, got an MFA at a big deal school. Starting becoming spiritual in a practical way. My mother died… Okay long story short. I thought it was going to be a straight line. Poet graduates from school, poet publishes book, poet gets teaching job. Instead I floundered. I had never had a “real” job. No jobs for poets! Not too many real world skills, very little SATURN, but GREAT at feeling stuff intensely ALL THE DAMN TIME. Moon Pluto conjunction in the 1st House. I feel therefore I am.
So there I am, in Brooklyn, in my early 30s, leaving Orthodoxy and I began looking for a lover to fill that role of rule-giver and God. I dated, if you can call it that, and took risks that… looking back… risks that surprise me now. I could have been killed. My instincts were spot-on though. I chose men who were a bit twisted, but not dangerous.
I remember well the Leo who took me to the Chelsea Hotel for 24 hours of…
I remember the Aquarius who I visited in Albany and how we…
And I also remember the Sagittarius. I fell in love with the Sagittarius. We went out to dinner, went shopping, and then to a private place for…
He’d send me home in a taxi. Sometimes he’d come with me, to drop me off. I loved that. It was not a traditional relationship of course, but it was the longest lasting from that time period. I would go for long walks in the city thinking of him thinking of him thinking of him. I wrote a long poem in sections about him called My India.
Thinking back on those days, it makes me feel like a puppy at the pound. Waiting for someone to walk by and choose me, pick ME. Except I was active in my pursuit. Venus in Leo thinking her STAR QUALITY is obvious. Venus in the 12th House: not so obvious. Choosing them and then hoping they would choose me back. It didn’t happen. Not the way I wanted it to. The Sagittarius still wanted to date me even though his parents had arranged a marriage for him.
The Aquarius still wanted to be my friend (of course!) but I sought a deeper connection. He married a Thai girl.
The Leo? Ugh. The Leo. I tried my best my please. Did what I thought I was supposed to do. OR SO I THOUGHT. Followed orders, followed the rules. Or so I thought. Broke taboos. Went deep in my service there. Or so I thought. I think my emotional intensity and rebellious nature tended to…make me less delectable to these… men.
My chart? South Node in Virgo in the 12th House. Venus conjunct the South Node. Prisoner of Love. Self-undoing. Self-sabotage. SERVICE. The martyr. The sacrifice.
I remember (was it around this time frame? later?) going to a psychiatrist who told me that I was “abuse-able.” No one ever hit me. It wasn’t that kind of abuse. Unless I asked to be hit. But I had a high capacity for… EMOTIONAL risk and emotional pain and drama. My heart was always breaking.
Is Venus in the 12th House ALWAYS a masochist? Not always, but the tendency is there. Same for Venus Neptune in hard aspect. Oh the pining oh the longing. Oh Neptune in the 7th House. Oh Neptunian bliss. Oh confusion illusion and delusion.
Was visiting my friend Way Out West, the same thing? Taking a chance, a safer one (maybe, maybe not) and hoping someone would just REALIZE that I’m worth it? Life doesn’t work that way. Not for me.
I never thought of myself as promiscuous. And I don’t think I was. I was SEARCHING. I was looking for someone. I thought sex and service was how I would find it.
To be continued…