It’s different for everyone. How do you get your life back? Or is there no life to get back?
Because you have a new life now.
I was assaulted in December and I continued to live with this person after the assault because I didn’t know what to do.
It scares me to write those words. I know I’m not supposed to. Talk about it.
I’m “supposed” to pretend it didn’t happen. That’s my programming. And certainly not to write about it.
Because it’s unpleasant news, an unpleasant story. I’m also supposed to believe that I’m responsible somehow. That I put myself in a chokehold. That I did it to myself. That it was my fault. Or that it never happened at all. It hurt to swallow that night. I’ll never forget it.
See, this is my story. This is mine to tell. When I told him I would be telling this story eventually he said to me “have them come to me first” — no doubt to dispute it. Fine. Consider it fiction if you want. Except that it’s not. On Christmas Eve 2014 I called 911 for the first time in my life.
After it happened, I was in shock. Terrified. Crying. An old friend got me through that night, on the phone. I had economic fears too. Truth is my body (actually all of me) didn’t really care that it was perhaps an “isolated incident” (even though DV counselors will tell you it never is). To continue to live with someone after such a thing is madness. And yet I continued to function, do my work, pay my bills, pay my rent, sweep the house, feed the cats, and so on. There was no room for collapse.
I was being “practical.” But my practicality ultimately made me sick. So that happened Christmas Eve. I had already had my period. In January I had a normal period. In February, none. First time ever (well since teenage years when I overexercised). And then in March I had a strange one. And then in April I started bleeding and didn’t stop (sometimes quite heavily) until an ER visit, many doctors later (a doctor, a nurse, a midwife, an herbalist), and hormone treatment for about a month.
Long story short. My cycle is back to normal (with the help of some herbal tinctures). Yes it’s normal-heavy for a woman of my age (for every woman it’s different) but my point is: trauma. Trauma and the body.
I am tired of protecting the people who have hurt me. Listen, I protected my mother when I was kid. I have a Moon Pluto conjunction in my natal. You think it was all moonbeams and trips to the mall? It was not. Children HAVE TO protect their caregivers — to survive. Where do you think I learned this skill in the first place? But this skill made me sick. Sick and yet able to survive.
I’m giving you all these health details (Jupiter is in Virgo after all) but the point to this blog post is AFTER. What happens after. The after is now.
If we decide to live, if we decide to go on, then we go on. And honestly I would love to stop writing about this but I’m in the what happens after and this is part of it.
Saturn conjunct the IC (one of the transits I was having at the time) will not necessarily bring violence or strife at home (the IC, 4th house) but the potential is there. Just like Saturn on your descendent or through the 7th House can bring a break-up. And then there is the other side. Saturn as the World card in the Tarot, achievement after much effort.
One of my favorite Saturn keywords is AUTHORITY. Not handing yours over to anyone.