How do you survive — after tragedy?
After trauma?
It’s different for everyone. How do you get your life back? Or is there no life to get back?
Because you have a new life now.
I was assaulted in December and I continued to live with this person after the assault because I didn’t know what to do.
It scares me to write those words. I know I’m not supposed to. Talk about it.
I’m “supposed” to pretend it didn’t happen. That’s my programming. And certainly not to write about it.
Because it’s unpleasant news, an unpleasant story. I’m also supposed to believe that I’m responsible somehow. That I put myself in a chokehold. That I did it to myself. That it was my fault. Or that it never happened at all. It hurt to swallow that night. I’ll never forget it.
See, this is my story. This is mine to tell. When I told him I would be telling this story eventually he said to me “have them come to me first” — no doubt to dispute it. Fine. Consider it fiction if you want. Except that it’s not. On Christmas Eve 2014 I called 911 for the first time in my life.
After it happened, I was in shock. Terrified. Crying. An old friend got me through that night, on the phone. I had economic fears too. Truth is my body (actually all of me) didn’t really care that it was perhaps an “isolated incident” (even though DV counselors will tell you it never is). To continue to live with someone after such a thing is madness. And yet I continued to function, do my work, pay my bills, pay my rent, sweep the house, feed the cats, and so on. There was no room for collapse.
I was being “practical.” But my practicality ultimately made me sick. So that happened Christmas Eve. I had already had my period. In January I had a normal period. In February, none. First time ever (well since teenage years when I overexercised). And then in March I had a strange one. And then in April I started bleeding and didn’t stop (sometimes quite heavily) until an ER visit, many doctors later (a doctor, a nurse, a midwife, an herbalist), and hormone treatment for about a month.
Long story short. My cycle is back to normal (with the help of some herbal tinctures). Yes it’s normal-heavy for a woman of my age (for every woman it’s different) but my point is: trauma. Trauma and the body.
I am tired of protecting the people who have hurt me. Listen, I protected my mother when I was kid. I have a Moon Pluto conjunction in my natal. You think it was all moonbeams and trips to the mall? It was not. Children HAVE TO protect their caregivers — to survive. Where do you think I learned this skill in the first place? But this skill made me sick. Sick and yet able to survive.
I’m giving you all these health details (Jupiter is in Virgo after all) but the point to this blog post is AFTER. What happens after. The after is now.
A former client wrote me the other day out of the blue about something so terribly sad, a loss of her own. It shocked me. What is her NOW now? Her child committed suicide. What now for her?
If we decide to live, if we decide to go on, then we go on. And honestly I would love to stop writing about this but I’m in the what happens after and this is part of it.
Saturn conjunct the IC (one of the transits I was having at the time) will not necessarily bring violence or strife at home (the IC, 4th house) but the potential is there. Just like Saturn on your descendent or through the 7th House can bring a break-up. And then there is the other side. Saturn as the World card in the Tarot, achievement after much effort.
One of my favorite Saturn keywords is AUTHORITY. Not handing yours over to anyone.
xx
10 thoughts on “Blood Story: Saturn Conjunct the IC”
Thank you for sharing that. Telling the stories, turning the tide of silence that drowns so many.
I didn’t tell, I didn’t tell, I was ashamed to tell, and even now, years later, I am no longer ashamed, but I have not told all. I don’t know if I ever will. So many are programmed to protect those who hurt us, to value sick relationships over healthy individuals. Especially if you are a woman in a heterosexual relationship. “Stand by your man”. Stand until you fall over from the weight of knives in your back.
I also protected my mother. Even when it became glaringly obvious she was not going to protect me. I haven’t told all of that one, either. I chose to give her my peace while she died of all the damage she did to herself.
The now. The now after everything burns down. Ashes track into the new life, into the now. Ashes are great fertilizer…
I think it’s okay not to tell too. No rules for best way to proceed. I don’t tell all either. I tell a tiny bit in public. In private though as a grown up I told a lot.
I had a horrible DV experience. After so many years of back and forth, I finally let go of the relationship; the Dream. Pluto has officially moved to square my libra stellium with Uranus opposing, and Neptune opposing my sun in the 12th. ALL RELATIONSHIPS have been foggy and filled with the realization that, ultimately, I’m responsible for myself. Including taking up for myself. I think a part of me has died; this girl who expected fairness and decency from the world. I think it’s still out there, just not where I was.
Sending you love, MP❤️
Hi Amy Jo – long time no see xoxo
I also experienced heavy bleeding after experiencing trauma. I was sexually harassed – within a few months I began experiencing heavy menstrual cycle. It took several years for me to make he connection. I think you would be interested in this article which talks about this issue. http://www.flowersociety.org/healthyliving1.htm
Thanks Alana
Thank you so much for sharing this.
thank you, erica xoxo
That totally sucks and this story makes me sad. : (
I would imagine that Moon Pluto’s never have it easy. But jeez…the inner work you’ll do/have done by the time this life is over. (Small consolation I know).
I wonder if you would be as good as a writer/astrologer/witch if you didn’t have the struggle.
Stay strong!
(((((Tons of hugs))))))))
I think I’d be far better at everything without extra struggle