Uranus Square Pluto And The Death Girl

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Do you ever get the feeling you’re being… tested?

Am I supposed to apply the firefly metaphor that I wrote about in the previous post? As the Psalmist wrote: from where will my help come?

I feel like the death girl right now, partly due to my Saturn transit (2nd House to 11th House: losing people, losing dreams, losing money)  and partly due to Pluto square Uranus which is what this summer is about anyway, and I predict (for myself) that Mars entering the picture will make it final for some, in my own life. Not only is Uranus square Pluto in the sky, but my natal Uranus is also involved.

This poor sweet dog that I’ve worked with for a few years suddenly went blind the other day. She’d had an awful stomach for a year or so and her owners took her to different doctors, unable to make it better. She’s got blood in her eyes, literally and her people are waiting on test results. I was looking at her, last week, noticing her eyes being red, thinking it was a symptom of the blindness, not realizing it was blood. Can you imagine? She went from young to feeble within days.

Pluto is death and Uranus is sudden and Mars is fast. I’ll be damn surprised if Mars brings good to this poor pup and not more bad. I know her people are sad and in shock. How sudden it all was. It hurts to see her go from normal to disoriented, confused when walking. Unable to get down the stairs without help. And all before my eyes. And I don’t feel an 1/8 of what her people feel.

When things get hard, when things get ugly, who sticks around? You don’t find out until it happens. Some people can handle others in pain; some can’t. I remember when my mother died, I lost friends. They either projected their own fears of loss onto me (which annoyed me) or tried to cheer me up with their vacant platitudes. Some people won’t let you BE in pain. Yeah, I remember throwing a knife across the kitchen. Not at a roommate but against the wall. Because HE was complaining about loneliness, my not being social. And I was the grieving one. Sadly this shit is typical. Search high and low for your people and don’t let them go.

Sometimes you do need to wallow, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about genuine grief and mourning and shock and the ones who aren’t afraid to sit with you in it. The ones who cry with you or hold your hand or bring you food or distract you or… mainly that they let you be in it.

Dang I’m sorry I’m not being more inspirational at the moment but this is what I have to give. How can I end this blog post on some sort of… less despairing note, hmm….

I’ll find it, and I’ll be back.

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