We were watching Gravity the other night. Watched it in two parts. I forget why. Maybe it was late the first night and I got tired. Anyway, so we finished watching it the other night and the movie reminded me of transits. The way transits bang you around, yeah in outer space, or so it feels, and you are always struggling to hold on. And then another comes and another and another, another event set off by the transit or another transit perfecting.
I had years like this — Saturn in Virgo was one disaster after another in a landscape of disaster. I remember this one day… I lost my playwriting group (which was my solace, my community). This woman thought I had betrayed her and she kicked me out. My grandmother died. And a client I was very close to got re-homed and I never saw him again (yes, a dog). Also I was in a failing, unhappy relationship living in the worst neighborhood with the worst (i.e. loudest) neighbors. This was just the beginning. Oh and I remember too… moving into an apartment that I couldn’t afford (I had gotten kicked out of the previous one) and a client died, my biggest/best client, two days after moving in. Didn’t know how I was going to survive.
I heard this as I was waking up this morning: if you don’t begin asserting your will – OVER YOUR OWN LIFE – these transits will run you into the ground. And then: you will be used. You will be used up.
I still have some of those movie images in my head: when Bullock takes off her heavy space suit for the first time and she’s curling in fetal position, suspended, no gravity. This is how it feels. Sometimes. Longing for the womb. Projecting yourself back into the womb. Crazy flying space objects crashing into you. Holding on for dear life. Giving up. Holding on for dear life. Giving up. Holding on for dear life.
I’m just beginning this process, with Uranus and Pluto. I’m in the middle of it with my Saturn opposition and I’m still figuring it out, what it means for me, beyond all the cookbooks and textbooks and professional opinions.
Every transit is about growing up. Getting us that much closer to death.
And then we have these years, all these years, in between.
In the chat room last night, I mentioned that I talked to my Uncle. We don’t talk that often. Always loved him. He said as he gets older, family becomes more important. Yeah, Uncle, I’ve been feeling that for about… .17 years now. Since my mother died, his sister. He doesn’t live that far away. We talk about family reunions, about getting together. He has a son nearby. Two birds with one stone. I’ll invite our cousin too. You can stay with me. Not much room, but you can stay. So we’ll see. In either case, I’ll start calling him every Sunday. He had mentioned that he is supposed to call his son every Sunday but sometimes he doesn’t.
See? Things fall apart under hard transits, yes they do. But you can also put things together, back together. Start a chain reaction.