We can’t tell anyone else what to do or how to feel.
The best we can do is share our medicine, the medicine of how it was for us.
I feel like my light is shining a little less brightly lately. I was assaulted on Christmas Eve.
Please don’t be alarmed for me. I have a support system. I am okay. But I want to share some of my experience here.
Since that night, I struggled with panic and anger and adrenalin and flashbacks and wanting to talk about it.
Since that night, I came up with techniques to manage the flashbacks to wherein I no longer panic.
I know the memory is there when I am ready to go back, if I need or want to. It’s all there. Sometimes I see it now, with more distance, in slow-motion, almost like a dance. I think I packed it well, preserved it.
Before bed one night (I don’t remember when, last night or the night before) I called in some spiritual helpers to help bring additional comfort and healing to that moment which is currently “packed away.”
You can do that you know — you can bring healing to the past, you can Reiki the past. You can go back with authority (Saturn keyword) and protect. You can even make changes with your imaginative forces. What could have happened instead. You can make the chokehold dissolve. Make the hands fall away.
I didn’t cry much after it happened. I had too much adrenalin. I had diarrhea. And then constipation. I could not calm down enough to cry. The first cry came when I was putting some essential oils on my neck and I touched the parts where I had been choked. The tears came for a bit then.
A couple days later on the advice of a good friend, I got out of the house, went to a reading that I’d had scheduled for a couple weeks. It was the best thing I could have done. Not quite routine, but getting out to an unfamiliar neighborhood, and the reading was so healing and clarifying. Three hours. Divination and Soul Journeying. I was supposed to learn how to soul journey this day – but when I got there I told him: not today. Still, I learned a lot — and the reading I did for a client the following day felt different to me. I was getting images from her past lives. I was trusting my helpers to show me.
The day after, the flashbacks came again, rapid fire, and that was when I started working with techniques so that I could feel more like myself again and get back to work, life. So that I could do both. Get back to work/life but without truly walling off/sealing off what happened. More like putting it on hold. Letting my soul know I’d be back to make repairs. And that I’d make repairs even in the meantime by how well I would treat myself.
Something does feel different though. The light feels a little less light. My job has more parts to it now, more than before. Taking care of the scared part of me. Taking care of others. And soon it will be time to go searching for the part of me that got lost in that moment, got ferried or flew away.
Being put in a hold where you cannot move and cannot breathe and you do not know what will happen, but that someone is pressing against your throat with all their might, all your choices are taken from you in that moment, except, as I was able, to scream… it changes a person. The worst kind of energy exchange — someone took my light in exchange for their rage.
I need to be here in the present. This experience showed me how much I do ruminate, over past hurts, over past anything. I will be pressing the delete button a lot more these days.
My 2014 message for you, inspired by the shamanic practitioner I met with last week:
Make plans (Saturn) for your future (Sagittarius). That’s my Saturn in Sagittarius message as we spend the last hours of 2014 together. But this is the key: make your plans FROM the mindset/perspective of where you want to be.
If you are truly the Queen of Pentacles, don’t make you plans as the Page. Know what I mean?