Young women have been commenting on my blog lately, self-admitted virgins (in their 20s and 30s I think) and I just wanted to address this — that there is NO SHAME in feeling shame. Think about that for a minute.
And NO SHAME in being a virgin.
And NO SHAME in waiting.
AND NO SHAME in not waiting.
And NO SHAME in not being certain how you fit into… sexuality as whole. And NO SHAME in exploring. NO SHAME IN NOT KNOWING.
And NO SHAME in NOT having what you want yet.
And NO SHAME in feeling fat, ugly, and rejected. I’ve worked with… so many women. All backgrounds, ages, sexualities… I can’t think of ONE that hasn’t struggled with this to some degree. We are sisters.
And the other day I was doing a reading for someone and just as we were about to hang up, the topic of shame came up and… well, we just didn’t have time but I felt my heart drop because it’s so important.
See, to my mind. I’m a young woman too. I often forget that I’m a 40-something with years of experience under my skirt 😉 Am I a mentor? I don’t even know. Maybe I’m a friend.
There is no RIGHT WAY to do this, to find your place here. There is just… your way. And it’s FINE to take all the time you need to figure it out.
There is NO SHAME in waiting for the “right” guy or girl. NO SHAME in letting your body and soul decide and rejecting the culture which does not speak to you. And YOU decide whether you want to talk about it or not. It’s nobody’s business but yours.
Does this make sense?
Here’s your homework, Virgins, Virgos, and everyone else:
Mercury in Scorpio goes retrograde tomorrow. The Sun enters Scorpio the day after. Later in the week, the Moon enters Cancer and trines Scorpio and Pisces. And the Sun trines Neptune on Friday. This is WATER. This is FEELING. Scorpio Season is a PLUNGE. Not a plunge into feeling bad about yourself (that would be lower vibration) or comparing yourself to anyone else’s life (kinda Taurus when you think about it) but a full-on cannonball into…
Let me ask the Tarot because I am having trouble finding the perfect word. Full-on cannonball into:
Well hello TEMPERANCE! Which is a hilarious card because Scorpio is far from Temperance but that’s exactly the point. This is a card of blending and cooperation (within and without) and YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT 😉 NO LONE WOLF-ISM! WORK TOGETHER.
And maybe you feel like nobody understands you and maybe NOBODY does YET. But please don’t give up. Temperance is associated with Sagittarius and have you ever known a Sag to give up? Known a Sag to stop hunting? The Archer without an arrow? Say it isn’t so!
Because you know what? A lot of this (what the virgins are concerned with, and the rest of us too) is about PERSPECTIVE. What we tell ourselves about our lives. And another word for the Temperance card is UNION, and I then pulled the PAGE OF CUPS, the card my teacher used to call “New Emotional Attitudes.”
So please, PLEASE, for Mercury retrograde in Scorpio:
REWRITE THIS STORY. REWRITE **some** of this (your) story. And be playful with yourself, be open.
Okay, that’s all for now.
Love, MP
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2 thoughts on “NO SHAME For Virgins (Mars In Virgo)”
Is there shame in some weird median place between being a virgin and not waiting? (I’m past that now, but I was somewhat “liminal” in the past.) I feel like Mercury in Scorpio is such an opportunity, don’t know how to make a lemonade out of it. One thing I can say is, editing-wise, I should use more periods because I think Scorpio likes to talk in short, pointed sentences. Also silence is good, too 🙂
I guess that in dating/online dating, the power to reject by ignoring and not calling, the simple, clean, lazy non communication is so powerful. I find when I do the same thing, it can be more complicated, because a man not calling a woman is the expected scenario because she must passively wait by the phone. I find that rejecting someone is more serpentine for me, partly because there’s the possibility of violence sometimes. What I think about Venus now (and I have to thank my astro twin for this) is that the power is in being prepared, whole, and waiting. Doing your thing and hoping someone accepts you for being you wholeheartedly (and meanwhile working on that.) My friends (some watery) complain about having to approach and hunt women and have all of these required personality features (confidence, nonchalance, what my friend calls “presence”), which a man seems to have to exude in his bearing. Otherwise he can fail even when every superficial nicety is in place. I think confidence and nonchalance is something many women unconsciously require, I think my friend is right.
When I hunt I get pain. People reject me left and right or don’t give me what I want. The only time it ever worked was when I had a transit if Uranus to my Ascendant and explained up front that I wasn’t going to give an inch and be myself… until the transit ended. I learned I had to fight for what I wanted and stop trying to please, then when we are more absorbed in each other, I had to compromise and bend. Because jockeying for superficial approval can be cheap and trying to make something work or melding into the other person by not being selfish is working on a relationship. It’s hard to learn when to tow that line.
What shocked me is that abstaining or doing the opposite can generate a reaction in society that has nothing to do with how a person feels or their motive, which no one cares about (a la the case of the high school girl who got raped by a football player I was reading about in xojane.) It’s so easy to be thought weird or unwanted (for being a virgin) or have a scarlet letter (for not), or worse when you go another route. And that in new feminism, self aware casual sex is somehow ok, but casual sex tied to insecurity and emotional wounds is slutty. It seems like our ancient ties to a person’s private behavior getting them cast out of a community persists. Shame is old and seems Saturnine to me.
Like when I was reading Ibsen’s Ghosts, the dad’s philandering has such far reaching spiritual and familial consequences. Or in A Doll’s House where a woman takes out a loan from an unsavory person and this threatens to tear apart her family. Their (mostly his) personal choices are irresponsible and poisonous for the collective on an almost cosmic level. I wrote stuff like this off as sexist or repressive, but sometimes your personal behavior affects the community. Sometimes people do stuff that can’t be cleaned up easily (like dating two women at once like I just saw on New Girl… “You did a bad thing, now go fix it.”) I was shocked to learn that just because I see some behavior as justified, doesn’t mean that Saturnian types in society don’t punish it. There are mores and requirements that have nothing to do with what we want. So many ancient ways women can disqualify themselves from society and be outcast. I think so many old patterns remain after feminism.
I think casual sex and online dating is skewed toward the benefit of men because of how easy it is to browse through people and how women are often judged for when they have sex and pressured to have sex on the third date. Also women are kept waiting by the phone to be “chosen” and “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” is, to my knowledge, still a thing. Of course, I was watching Louis CK’s great show and learned that subconsciously, some women still expect men to fight for them in situations where it’s ridiculous, unnecessary, and dangerous.
During Saturn in Libra I observed many people writing off some of the gains made by feminism/the sexual revolution. Claiming some conventional gender roles have validity because they are old. Admittedly, I find the advent of hooking up, online dating (talkin bout OkCupid), and such things poisonous for women like me. Low self esteem, bad boundaries, means that I feel kind of like the girl with the headgear in Brazil, if she were hugging the wall, waiting to be picked at a 50s dance. In every one of these I’ve found that men call the shots (if I’m interested.) I call OkCupid the fresh direct of dating, a lot like scrolling through headshots. I’m hopeful about Regulus in Virgo which Michael Lutin talks about. I see some “everywoman” figures coming out of the woodwork.