My friend wrote to me:
Maybe you can meditate today. Envision taking something back from him.
She was approaching a topic that often confused me. I had to know more.
Take your energy back from him, she said.
Today I had a doctor’s appointment. A medicine had given me difficult side effects. I couldn’t continue taking it.
And he told me that so many others had been helped by this medicine. Why was I so special?
Yes, he actually did say that. What makes you so special.
I texted my friend. I wanted her feedback
Something I have noticed in my 43 years on this planet:
I attract people who are afraid to feel.
Anger. Vulnerability. Grief. Hatred. Passion. Ambivalence. Letting go. Rage. Opening. FREEDOM. Confidence.
Theory: because they are afraid to feel, they may feel threatened by me. (And/or attracted.) They confuse emotion with weakness. And this happens on an unconscious level thus they may seek to provoke emotions (or enjoy it YUM when forbidden or intense emotions arise), stoke the coals, each according to the emotion they are most afraid to feel.
What happened: I cried in his office. He kept talking. Eventually handed me a blue tissue.
So I had all these revelations and my energy came back. I understood. I didn’t need to go digging around.
Advice: if you notice this is happening in ANY of your relationships: you have to stand back and observe. Yourself. Observe them. PATIENCE. And seriously you need a meditation practice. It will slow you down. Patience. Meditation. Observation. Basically you have to close the circuit and STOP DOING THE FEELING FOR EVERYONE.
You must also lower your anxiety overall. Again, a daily meditation practice of grounding and observing will help you more than anything. Get to know your own mind. Shielding. Self-protection. Whatever you want to call it.
Passion. Grief. Exaltation. Rage. Terror. Pain. Joy. Cuddly. Cutesy. Alarmed. Hyper-vigilant. Pleased.
More theory: how is it that emotions are power? Not in terms of physical strength although it sometimes FEELS that way.
You awaken in them something very old. From infancy. Or older. Helplessness. Mother who doesn’t show up. Your tears trigger in them something they cannot touch. Your fears trigger in them something they cannot touch. Your rage reminds them of their father’s rage. Your passion reminds them of the dreams they gave up. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE YOU. But what they don’t understand is how amazing it is.
Emotions are powerful because feeling feelings is STILL taboo. Name it. I FEEL WEAK. I FEEL STUPID. I HATE MYSELF. I FEEL RAGE. I FEEL POWER. I FEEL LOVE. I FEEL HORNY. I FEEL PASSION. I HATE MY MOTHER. I LOVE MY MOTHER. I HATE MY LOVER. I LOVE MY LOVER. I HATE EVERYBODY. I LOVE EVERYBODY. Extremes. I feel okay. I feel not bad. Eh. Everything’s fine. It’s cool. A good day. Not bad. All is well. I feel hopeful. I feel afraid. All is well. Shame. Guilt. Pleasure. Suicidal. Terrified. Hungry. Starving. Empty. Alive. Dead. Okay.
So today’s appointment was truly a gift of healing after all.
He stole it from you, she said. Fucking thief!
And I began to think: how did this power him? How did this incident power him.
Allow yourself to exist. Too.