(A note about John Irving’s The Hotel New Hampshire: I studied poetry as an undergrad with Donald Justice who is a character in this novel.)
The hardest years of my life were before I started studying astrology. Wait. Hold that thought.
Some of my hardest years were when Saturn in Virgo was conjunct my Moon Pluto conjunction and Uranus in Pisces was opposing.
I also remember a friend telling me about some transits to my progressed IC at that time, but I don’t recall the details now.
I remember telling a friend on the phone that it was worse than my mother dying but I don’t know if that’s true. Both traumatic times but different kinds of trauma.
Do you know people who seem to have trauma swirling around them ALL the damn time? That things don’t stop falling apart over and over? They can’t seem to get ahead. Or if they do, they can’t see it.
I’ve had years like this. Nearly a lifetime like this or so it felt. And I think Pluto leaving my 4th House is helping to stabilize my foundations, my roots, my root chakra but also it’s a combination of things. I’m getting older. New transits.
I feel like… until you’ve had to completely scrape yourself off the floor, on your own, without any family help or any family money, no safety net, just God as your co-pilot…
I wanted to write more about my years of depression to try to bring light to others who may be going through that but I don’t know where to start. And I’m not talking about occasional “blue moods” — I’m talking about persistent depression with a genetic basis (runs in the family) but probably mostly aggravated by circumstance although the lines get blurry. I’m not talking about manic-depression or psychosis but definitely emotional intensity, dysthymia which could go major as well as massive amounts of fear. PTSD too.
And I don’t have a how-to survival guide in this blog post but just to say that I’m still here at 41 and if you are reading this then you are still here too. There’s a spark in you. Even if no bigger than the head of a match.
Consider this Full Moon in Libra to be an opportunity. If something ends for you? Then something new will come in.
The Full Moon in Libra asks you to purify your life. Libra rules the kidneys. Isabel Hickey wrote about this: “In the psychological body, relationships are the purifiers of the consciousness. No man can be an island.”
And this, also about Libra, from Hickey: On the surface there is diplomacy and sweetness but beneath the velvet glove is a fist of iron. It is hard for Libran to believe they are dominating and self-willed, but it is true. The esoteric ruler of Libra is Uranus. This explains a great deal.”
Here’s one technique when you are feeling the dark bear of depression and I’ve talked about this before:
hold your depression or your mood like a baby in your arms. Soothe it. That’s all. No judgement. Soothe it. Sit with it. You can speak sweet words to it: there there now… And you’ll notice how being gentle feels better than being harsh. Being gentle, being sweet, being Libra but without the iron fist 😉
You are not less of a man, woman, human for being gentle with yourself. Truth is the more gentle you are, the more you free yourself to achieve and yet in that moment… nothing else exists. Just pure mother, pure nurturing, food.
When the baby cries, the mother doesn’t hit the baby. She soothes the baby. Do this for yourself, for your dark bear, for everything that frightens you and then, as they say feel the fear and do it anyway.
And maybe soothing yourself fills you with fear. That if you do this, you’ll never stop crying or you won’t get out of bed.
Zen Master Katagiri Roshi wrote that the only solution for getting out of bed was getting out of bed.
Intention for the Full Moon in Libra: meditate on what you attract in your life. Are you attracting what you want?