And, actually, I would like to stop doing this. I expect I’ll get more chances. To overcome this.
It’s not because the person is intentionally hurting me. It’s because I feel so much. To remain in the situation feels intolerable. Self-preservation kicks in. I don’t want to die.
And what rules me at those times is the compulsion to DO something about it. To fix it. I have the Moon (feelings) conjunct Pluto (compulsive) in Virgo (the fixer-upper) in my 1st House of WHO I AM, my body.
Self-protection. Self-preservation. In those moments I don’t analyze. It’s impulsive, a cut, and I think it will stop the bleeding.
Tonight I called up a friend who I haven’t talked to in a while. I have my Sun, Mercury and Mars in Cancer. He has his Moon in Cancer, and the transiting Moon, too, is in Cancer. Perfect. I’d be able to speak my mind. No. Speak my heart. As much as a Moon in Virgo can. 😉 Of course he didn’t pick up. I left a message.
What happened was this: I had had a revelation as I walked to a neighborhood where I used to walk a sweet beautiful dog, and when I used to walk this dog, he and I were talking all the time, every day. Eventually I quit this dog and I remember that not long after I had a profound longing to see her again. Not to have the job back but… I had to see her. Tried to arrange it. Never did. The longing got less although I still think of her.
So tonight when I went for that walk in the same neighborhood, that’s when I had my insight. How the sweet beautiful doggie was a stand-in for him. That if only I could see her again, that magically he’d be back in my life like before, he’d know how much I loved him, he’d believe it. Under the Cancer Moon.
The Moon is a few degrees past my Sun as I type this and conjunct my Mercury. I am speaking, writing (Mercury) my feelings (Moon).
I can’t tell you how this story ends, but I know that as long as I can do this, I’ll be fine.
Cancers are stronger than they appear and it’s not just the hard shell. Cancers are the Mothers of this World. Tell me, if you can, who is stronger. Only God himself. Maybe. 😉
Music for your mood – Patrick Watson – Lighthouse