But I started thinking about her a moment ago. How she was worried I was lonely. She always wanted me to have “company.” I am thinking of a conversation I had with her, I was in my 20s, living in Iowa and she was in another world, back in the Florida of my childhood. And would fear me spending holidays alone since in those years I didn’t want to go home much.
And this was not long before she died, that I was dating a woman (for the first time) and I didn’t tell her this. I was/am fiercely private about some things and she called and could hear some caution in my voice and I said I had a friend over and she said “As long as you have company…” She knew.
But this was her sadness, not mine, that filled the room. Why could she not see/feel that God was with me? Or the ancestors? Or the animal spirits? 🙂
She died later that year and this girlfriend who I also broke up with that year saved my life. After I came back from the funeral in Miami, she cooked for me all kinds of goodies. I was (then and now) useless in the kitchen. She gave me self-help books too which only made me angry although she meant well. I saved them. I was the prickliest bear you can imagine. No one knew what to say and whatever anyone said was WRONG. Be careful what you say to people in mourning.
I remember one time throwing a knife across the room at the wall, near a roommate who dare get angry at ME for something or other, ME, the recently orphaned. I find this is typical though, too typical, in certain humans.
I am writing this post because Thanksgiving is coming and then Christmas and then New Year’s. If time wore a crown, this is that time. American royalty. Please don’t hate yourself if you don’t want to celebrate or don’t want to see your family or do want to see them and have mixed feelings. However you feel is perfect. Now if only you could be a little kinder to yourself, which includes not absorbing anyone else’s loneliness or pain. They may keep wanting to shove it on you, but you be strong.
Saturn (in Scorpio) will not break under the weight of all this deep feeling water. This transit to me is like a cocoon, the womb, remembering how it was before we were born, that safety we’re always searching for. It’s back.
Here’s a link to my Astrology and Tarot Readings page.